As the holiday season approaches, it's common for people to experience a whirlwind of emotions, often influenced by societal expectations and familial traditions. In the realm of neuropsychology, understanding the impact of "should" thinking on our emotions becomes crucial. The idea that we should feel a certain way in specific situations, ingrained in us by family and culture, can significantly affect our mental well-being during what should be joyful times. In this blog post, we'll explore the consequences of "should" thinking about feelings and discuss healthier alternatives to navigate the complex landscape of emotions.
The Influence of "Should" Thinking
From a young age, individuals are subtly trained by their families and cultures about how they should feel in various situations. Whether it's the expectation of happiness on birthdays, gratitude for receiving gifts, sadness during times of loss, or the warmth and connection anticipated during holidays, these societal norms become internalized. However, emotions are complex and often fall into two broad categories: natural (or primary) emotions that arise directly from an experience and manufactured (or secondary) emotions that result from our interpretation of events and their connection to our beliefs, thoughts, past experiences, and future expectations.
The "should" thinking about feelings becomes problematic when we believe that we should naturally feel a certain way in a given situation. This mindset leads to constant self-monitoring for the "correct" emotion, giving rise to a cascade of secondary emotional responses. For instance, if the expectation is to feel warm and connected during the holidays, experiencing loneliness or a disagreement with a family member can trigger thoughts like "what is wrong with me," "this shouldn't be happening," or "my family is so messed up." These thoughts, in turn, give rise to secondary emotions such as shame, anger, grief, and anxiety, creating a negative spiral.
Breaking the "Should" Cycle
Instead of succumbing to the "should" trap, a healthier approach involves acknowledging and accepting our natural emotional responses, even if they don't align with societal or personal expectations. Emotions are inherently diverse and can vary from person to person and situation to situation. Recognizing and accepting our initial, sometimes unpleasant, emotions without judgment is a key step in breaking the cycle of secondary emotional responses.
Acceptance, in this context, doesn't imply wanting the experience but rather acknowledging that it already exists. By embracing the variability and complexity of our emotions, we can minimize the chances of spiraling into negative thoughts and emotions. This shift in perspective allows us to navigate the holiday season, and life in general, with greater emotional freedom and resilience.
Conclusion
As we approach the holidays, let's strive for emotional authenticity rather than falling prey to the "should" thinking that often accompanies festive occasions. By recognizing the influence of societal and familial expectations on our emotions and choosing acceptance over judgment, we can foster a healthier relationship with our feelings. This holiday season, let's prioritize emotional well-being and embrace the diversity of our emotional experiences, paving the way for a more fulfilling and authentic celebration.
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